"What is Secure Attachment Style?: The Strength to Rise Despite the Waves"

What is a Secure Attachment Style? Definition and Characteristics

Among attachment styles, the “secure attachment” type is generally characterised by a sense of trust in oneself and others, along with relatively good emotional regulation. People with a secure attachment style tend to form close, intimate relationships more easily and possess a strong resilience to bounce back from difficulties.

This style is often formed through early relationships with caregivers. For example, consistently receiving timely comfort when crying or having one’s feelings acknowledged creates a foundation of trust — the belief that one is loved — which becomes the base for a “secure attachment”.

I Was Diagnosed as Secure in Attachment Style Tests, but…

I have taken several online attachment style quizzes, and they all indicated I have a “secure” attachment style. At first, this brought a sense of reassurance — perhaps I am fundamentally okay. However, reflecting on my actual experiences, I realised that this label doesn’t always capture the whole truth.

In particular, in romantic relationships and parenting, I sometimes feel intense anxiety or fluctuations in my self-esteem. For instance, I can be sensitive to a partner’s casual remark or behaviour, wondering if I am truly loved. In parenting, I may overreact to small changes in my child and question whether I’m doing the right thing.

Through these experiences, I have come to understand that “secure” does not mean constant calm and confidence. Our minds are far more complex, containing a mixture of emotions. Facing and accepting the anxieties and uncertainties within ourselves, rather than denying them, may actually be the true essence of a secure attachment style.

My Childhood “Security”

Looking back on my childhood — up until I was around high school age — I believe I really was “securely attached”. I spoke my mind clearly, chose what I wanted without hesitation, and lived freely without worrying about others’ opinions.

In hindsight, that might have been a little “selfish”. But at that time, I was the “queen” of my own world. Too confident and energetic to be called a princess — more like a radiant presence.

This was surely because my parents showered me with abundant love and attention. The feeling that I was loved and protected naturally contributed to my self-esteem.

There was a time when my self-esteem dropped and I searched for my true self. When I asked myself, “When was I most myself?”, the first image that came to mind was that childhood self.

Of course, during my time working as a cabin crew member, I managed to keep a fair amount of self-confidence. But with criticism from supervisors and various life experiences, that “absolute confidence” gradually began to waver.

When I returned to Japan, I met some old classmates from junior high. Looking back, I was really myself then — perhaps a bit selfish — yet everyone accepted me with smiles. They said to me:

“You were so energetic!”“Always cheerful and smiling — everyone admired you.”

Hearing those words made me realise: People shine brightest when they can be truly themselves, without pretending. That was exactly who I was back then.

The Coexistence of “Security” and “Anxiety”

That was the moment I noticed the wavering in my own attachment. Even though I’m considered “securely attached”, there is certainly a side of me that feels “anxious”.

For example, I can overreact to small remarks or interpret someone’s behaviour with excessive meaning, causing unease. At such times, my self-esteem wavers dramatically, and I find myself questioning, “Am I really okay?”

Attachment style isn’t a fixed, monolithic thing. It’s fluid and delicate, influenced by our environment, mental state, and relationships. Even those with a secure style have various emotional waves inside, and they navigate their daily relationships while facing these feelings carefully.

Secure Types Also Struggle — Common Misconceptions

People often think, “Secure types don’t have many problems” or “They don’t struggle in relationships.” But reality is rarely that simple.

Sure, secure individuals tend to build more stable relationships, but that doesn’t mean they’re free from anxiety or conflict.

In fact, secure people might be more likely to notice subtle discomforts or inner conflicts and pause to confront them. When they become aware of fears or reactions rooted in the past, they wrestle with how to handle and accept them. From the outside, they may appear “stable”, but inside, profound self-dialogue is often ongoing.

This is why we cannot fully understand anyone by simply applying the label “secure” and assuming all is well. Every attachment style — and every person — carries their own struggles and efforts. I believe we should pay more careful attention to these complexities.

Returning to Your True Self

Through my experiences, I have gradually been reclaiming my authentic self. Of course, I can no longer behave as selfishly as in childhood, nor would I want to. Yet I’ve realised that the moments when I shine brightest and feel most myself are when I am energetic, determined, and cheerful — just like then.

At that moment of realisation, I understood: this is what my version of a “secure attachment style” looks like now. Rooted in the absolute safety of childhood, yet carrying adult anxieties and uncertainties, I still choose to be myself. That very choice is my stability.

Since then, I’ve kept in mind the thought: “It doesn’t matter what others think of me — that’s their task, not mine.” This mindset has made life easier in many ways.

I still have issues to work through in my heart, so I can’t wholeheartedly proclaim, “I am secure!” But I’ve come to accept that’s okay.

This is just one way I’ve reflected on myself. Everyone’s relationships with their parents and childhood experiences differ, so not everyone will find the same approach helpful. It took me many years to reach this understanding.

In counselling, it is often said, “Returning to your true self is like peeling an onion, layer by layer.” As you remove the armour you’ve built for protection, underneath lies your true self.

For me, “secure” doesn’t mean unshakable strength — it might mean having the power to rise again despite the wavering.

— That is my personal understanding of the “secure attachment style”.

Don’t try to carry everything alone. Having someone to lean on can help you rediscover your true self sooner.

At Locus of Life, we support you in shaping your attachment style in a way that truly fits you. Please feel free to reach out and begin your journey.