"Unconditional Self-Love: Letting Go of the Armour"

Do you love yourself?

“Yes, I do. Because I’ve worked so hard to get where I am. “I like the way I treat others with kindness.”

Many people might respond like this. But could that be conditional love?

“I can love myself because I achieved this.” “I have value because I can do that.”— Somewhere along the way, many of us have come to believe that unless we have something to show for ourselves — an achievement, a result, the approval of others — we’re not worthy of self-acceptance.

But in truth, we are worthy of love simply by existing. More than that, we each have the right to fully accept ourselves — unconditionally, just as we are.

Unconditional self-love: something we’re born with

At our core, we all have the capacity to love and accept ourselves unconditionally. Just think of a newborn baby. A baby doesn’t worry, “Am I being a nuisance by crying?” or “I don’t want to be a burden to my mum.” They simply exist, exactly as they are.

But as we grow, we realise that just being ourselves isn’t always enough to navigate the world. We start to think: How can I be accepted? How can I avoid getting hurt? Through these experiences, we develop something essential: defence mechanisms.

How defence mechanisms shape our lives

These defences serve an important role – they help protect us. But at the same time, they can also cause us to reject ourselves, trap us in distorted beliefs, or push down our true feelings. Even though we’re “protected,” we may find ourselves struggling to feel at ease in the world.

Such accumulated experiences gradually gift us with what we call “defence mechanisms” — a kind of wisdom born from necessity. These mechanisms are a vital part of our ability to adapt and survive in the world.

At the same time, however, we begin to push our true feelings and honest desires deeper and deeper into the background of our hearts.

The armour we carry

Over time, we accumulate layers of armour:

• If I act this way, my parents will praise me.

• If I say this, I won’t upset my friends.

• This is the right way to live.

  
  

In trying to meet others’ expectations, we learn how to keep ourselves safe. And it’s true – those strategies have helped us survive, and even thrive, up until now.

But have you ever felt as though your armour has become too heavy? That it’s started to hide your real self?

• This isn’t what I really want…

• I do feel this way, but I can’t say it out loud…

That’s why, as adults, it’s not about suddenly tearing off all the armour we’ve built around ourselves.　Doing so would feel far too frightening — far too vulnerable.

What truly matters is learning to gently ask ourselves the important questions, one by one:　“What is it that I really want?”　“What is this feeling trying to tell me?”

By holding space for these quiet inner questions, we begin to reconnect with our true self — the one we may have buried beneath layers over time.　It’s a gradual process, like gently peeling back the layers of an onion, one at a time.

Loving yourself doesn't mean being defenceless

Of course, this doesn’t mean becoming defenceless, like a newborn again. It means learning to make peace with the parts of ourselves that needed those defences, and choosing, with awareness, how we want to live.

While still carrying the tools we've developed to protect ourselves, we begin to make choices that reflect what we truly want — speaking up for ourselves, listening to our feelings, and not bending too far to please others.

Gradually increasing these moments of living for ourselves is what leads us towards truly accepting and loving who we are.

Loving yourself helps you love others

Interestingly, when we learn to care for ourselves, we naturally become kinder to others as well. This is because being overly harsh with ourselves often leads, unconsciously, to applying the same harshness to those around us.

When we think, “I’m no good like this,” it becomes easy to fall into the habit of blaming others with thoughts like, “They’re not doing things properly either.”

I, myself cannot claim to love myself completely and unconditionally.　However, I have almost stopped the cycle of constantly blaming myself as I did in the past.

More and more often, I find myself thinking:

“I’ve done well today.”

“This is good enough.”

“This version of me isn’t so bad after all.”

Simply having these moments has made life much gentler and kinder.

Discomfort and Struggle: The Gateway to Change

You may sometimes feel, “I’m worthless,” or “The gap between reality and my ideals is painful. ” But these feelings are a sign — a sign that you find your current situation difficult and that you long to live more authentically.

Doubt, anxiety, discomfort — these are all signals of change, signs that something inside you has begun to shift.

You Don’t Have to Struggle Alone

This journey can sometimes feel lonely and frightening. That’s precisely why counsellors exist. My role is to walk beside you without rushing you or judging you, simply offering quiet support.

Locus of Life is here to help you gradually reconcile with yourself, to find moments when you can say, “I’m glad to be me.” I will walk alongside you, at your own pace.

The Day You Love Yourself Will Surely Come

It won’t happen suddenly, but rather quietly and gently, like a small light kindling deep within your heart.

That tiny shift — the moment you think, “Hmm, maybe I don’t dislike myself as much as before” — can eventually transform the way you live.

So, shall we take that first step together? You are allowed to live just as you are. Until the day you truly believe that yourself — I will be here with you.