"The moment the Fog Clears: Breaking Free from Gaslighting"

Have you ever heard of the term gaslighting? It refers to a form of psychological manipulation where someone makes another person doubt their own reality, emotions, or memories. For a long time, I struggled with an inexplicable sense of anxiety and fear in my relationship with my ex-husband. However, through my counselling studies, I came to realise that what I had been experiencing was gaslighting. This realisation brought a profound change to my life.

When I first learnt about gaslighting, I was deeply shocked. It perfectly described what I had been going through. Until then, although I had felt uneasy about my ex-husband’s words and actions, I had convinced myself that it was my own fault. Every time he spoke to me in a dismissive or invalidating way, I found myself wondering: "Am I the one who’s wrong?" "Am I just overthinking?" Over time, my self-esteem gradually diminished, and I eventually lost trust in my own emotions. Without realising it, I was living each day controlled by his words.

Looking back, I can see how the influence of two distinct cultures—Japan and the UK—shaped the way I thought and behaved. In Japan, harmony is highly valued, and maintaining group cohesion is often prioritised over individual needs. Because of this, I had believed that respecting others was more important than acknowledging my own emotions. Even when something felt wrong, I would question myself: "Perhaps my way of thinking is flawed." I constantly tried to adjust to the situation, believing that was the right thing to do.

On the other hand, British culture places greater emphasis on individualism, where expressing oneself and asserting personal boundaries are encouraged. However, this does not mean that gaslighting does not occur. In fact, those with strong personalities can sometimes, even unintentionally, manipulate others into questioning their emotions and memories. For someone like me, who had been raised in a culture that values harmony, this made me particularly vulnerable to gaslighting.

I do not believe my ex-husband was consciously trying to control me. However, I now understand that the intersection of two different cultural values contributed to the situation. If I had been more self-assured—accepting that it was okay not to speak perfect English or that struggling to adjust to life in the UK was natural—I might have been able to maintain a healthy emotional distance. Instead, I was so fixated on the idea that I had to adapt to British culture at all costs that I unknowingly suppressed my true self in the process. As a result, I gradually lost confidence, allowing his words to have a profound impact on me.

The moment I learnt about gaslighting, the vague unease I had felt for years suddenly became clear. The fear I had experienced was not a product of my imagination; it was a direct response to his words and actions. The realisation felt as though a heavy fog had lifted, bringing clarity and relief.

Through this, I learnt something crucial. When living in a foreign country, adapting to the environment is important, but it is equally essential to accept and value oneself. The first step to resisting gaslighting is to acknowledge and trust your own feelings rather than dismissing them. If something feels wrong, that feeling is valid.

From this experience, there is something I want to share with those who may be suffering in a similar way. If someone’s words or actions are making you doubt your own thoughts and emotions, please do not blame yourself. Your emotions are real, and they belong to you.

And if you are struggling, I encourage you to reach out to someone you trust or a professional who can support you. Talking about your experiences can help you process your emotions and gradually reclaim your sense of self.

Your emotions and intuition are there to protect you. Please listen to your own voice and cherish it.

Let’s find your Locus of Life together!