"The moment the Fog Clears: Breaking Free from Gaslighting"

Understanding Gaslighting and Reclaiming Your Self-Esteem

Are you familiar with the term “gaslighting”? It refers to psychologically manipulating someone, causing them to lose their sense of reality or doubt their own feelings and memories. For many years, I experienced inexplicable anxiety and fear in my relationship with my ex-husband, but through studying counselling, I realised that this was a clear case of gaslighting. This realisation brought profound change to my life and helped me begin to restore my self-esteem.

Experiencing Life Before Recognising Gaslighting

When I first learned about gaslighting, I was shocked. It perfectly described what I had been going through. Until then, I had felt something was wrong with my ex-husband’s behaviour but blamed myself. Every time I was subjected to his negative words, I would ask myself, “Am I wrong? Am I overthinking?”, gradually losing my self-confidence.

Eventually, I could no longer trust my own emotions and spent my days being constantly manipulated and unsettled by his words.

Cultural Influences and Emotional Challenges

Reflecting on this, I now see how the cultural differences between Japan and the UK deeply affected my thoughts and behaviours. Japanese culture highly values harmony, often prioritising the group over the individual. Because of this, I believed it was right to respect others’ feelings over my own. Even when I doubted something, I blamed myself, thinking, “Perhaps my perspective is wrong”, and tried hard to adapt to others.

In contrast, British culture emphasises individualism and self-expression. Some people, often unconsciously, may act in ways that disturb others’ emotions or memories. For someone like me, who values harmony, this can make you more vulnerable to psychological manipulation and suffer without realising it.

While I don’t believe my ex-husband consciously tried to control me, the intersection of these two cultures created an environment in which gaslighting-like situations could emerge subtly and unconsciously.

Reclaiming Self-Esteem Through Awareness

If I had been more confident and able to accept myself—“It’s okay if my English isn’t perfect” or “It’s natural to take time adjusting to life in the UK”—I might have maintained healthy boundaries and avoided being swayed by his words. Instead, adhering to the idea of “When in Rome, do as the Romans do”, I desperately tried to adapt to British culture while unconsciously denying myself. As a result, I gradually lost my confidence, unknowingly influenced by his words.

Learning about gaslighting clarified the vague fears I had been feeling. The fear I experienced was not imaginary; it was caused by his behaviour. This insight was like a fog lifting, bringing clarity, peace of mind, and the first step towards restoring my emotional resilience.

I also learned that protecting yourself in a foreign country requires more than just adapting to the environment. Accepting, valuing, and protecting yourself is essential. Paying attention to your own feelings, acknowledging discomfort, and trusting your instincts are the first steps in preventing the impact of gaslighting.

A Message for Those Suffering Similarly

Through this experience, I want to share an important message with anyone who is suffering similarly. If someone’s actions cause you to doubt your own thoughts or emotions, please do not blame yourself. Your feelings are your truth.

If needed, reach out to someone you trust or a professional counsellor. Sharing your experiences allows you to process your emotions and gradually reclaim your sense of self.

Your feelings and instincts are vital to protecting yourself. Listen to them and honour them. Together, let me explore your Locus of Life. Valuing yourself is the first step in building healthy, authentic relationships with others.