"Behind the Strength of Self-Reliance: Understanding the Avoidant Attachment Style"

Definition and Characteristics of the Avoidant Attachment Style

An avoidant attachment style is characterised by a strong tendency to suppress emotions and maintain distance in relationships. People with this style often find it difficult to express their feelings and may unconsciously resist forming deep emotional connections with others. On the surface, they may appear independent and composed, leading those around them to see them as “reliable” or “capable.”

However, beneath this exterior often lies a long history of emotional suppression and a deep fear of being hurt.

A Story of Someone Who Might Be Avoidant

There is someone I know who I suspect may have an avoidant attachment style. Of course, it could simply be that they don’t feel the need to open up to me—but for the sake of this story, I’ll speak from the perspective that they might be avoidant.

This person is incredibly kind, compassionate, and always willing to help others without expecting anything in return. But whenever I try to get to know them more deeply or become closer, they seem to withdraw, almost as if shutting down emotionally. At first, I wondered, “Do they dislike me?” I was confused. Yet, with time, they would casually reach out again, as if nothing had happened.

Whenever I opened up emotionally, they would pull away again—this cycle began to feel unsettling.

Around that time, I was learning about attachment theory and started to wonder if this person might be avoidant. I don’t know much about their past, as they rarely speak about themselves. But perhaps they went through difficult experiences in childhood—perhaps they were let down by someone they trusted, or felt emotionally neglected.

I know I cannot “save” them. But if they ever decide to talk, I can be quietly present. Because ultimately, this is something they must face and work through in their own time.

Why People with Avoidant Attachment Struggle to Recognise Their Inner Difficulties

People with an avoidant attachment style often hold beliefs like “I’m fine on my own,” “Emotions are unnecessary,” or “I don’t rely on anyone.” These ideas aren’t inherently wrong—many avoidant individuals are genuinely responsible, independent, and capable.

But attachment research, particularly by psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, shows that this style can develop when a child’s emotional needs are repeatedly minimized, dismissed, or even punished.

For example, a child who is told “Don’t cry,” or is pushed away when seeking comfort, may start to learn that expressing emotions is unsafe.

In response, the child begins to suppress feelings—not because they disappear, but because hiding them feels safer. Over time, this becomes second nature. Sadness, loneliness, and fear may still exist deep inside, but are buried so thoroughly that even the individual themselves may lose touch with them.

As adults, many avoidant individuals truly believe nothing is wrong. Emotional distance has become their “normal.” They may say, “I’m not lonely—I just value independence,” or “I don’t need to talk about feelings.” To them, seeking help can feel unnecessary—or even absurd.

But underneath that calm, self-sufficient exterior, there may be a different truth. Some people begin to notice a quiet restlessness. Maybe relationships feel distant. Maybe success doesn’t bring the joy it once did.

Maybe a deep part of them wonders, “Why does something still feel off?”

This question can mark a powerful turning point. Not because something is broken—but because something long protected is finally asking to be seen. Real change doesn’t start with fixing ourselves. It starts with gently noticing.

With wondering, “What have I been protecting myself from?” or “What would it feel like to trust someone, even a little?”

Emotional expression is not a weakness. It’s a quiet, powerful act of courage. And even if the steps toward connection feel uncertain, they are also an invitation—to begin living more fully, more honestly, and more connected than ever before.

If You’ve Noticed Avoidant Tendencies in Yourself

If you’ve started to notice avoidant patterns in yourself, you might feel uneasy or even fearful about the idea of “opening up emotionally.” That’s completely understandable. If, throughout your life, opening up led to hurt or rejection, then avoiding vulnerability likely became your best method of self-protection.

Maybe you’ve told yourself, “It’s easier to be alone,” or “It’s safer not to rely on anyone.” If that’s the case, then you’ve probably spent years shielding yourself—and that took courage. You don’t need to force yourself to change.

What matters isn’t denying the part of you that’s avoided feelings, but gently creating space for the emotions you’ve had to suppress.

Start by quietly listening to what’s inside you. You might try:

• Writing in a journal in a calm, safe space

• Reflecting on a moment when you felt truly understood

• Speaking slowly, in your own time, within a safe therapeutic relationship

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Your feelings may not be clear or easy to grasp at first. But if you’ve ever felt unsettled—like relationships don’t flow easily, or that you feel alone even in company—your heart might be sending you a quiet signal.

In time, you may begin to believe: “Expressing emotion is not weakness—it’s courage.” And when that belief takes root, your relationships may begin to change.

Most importantly, allow yourself to believe: “It’s okay to let someone support me.” For someone who’s always chosen independence, that may be a huge step. But it’s also a gesture of kindness—to yourself. A way of honouring your true feelings.

Please, don’t blame yourself. Don’t rush. Take each step in your own time. That journey itself is the path to genuine connection.

How to Relate to Someone with an Avoidant Attachment Style

Relationships with avoidant individuals can sometimes seem smooth—at least on the surface. They tend not to be overly emotional, and they often appear independent, without showing signs of neediness. However, beneath this exterior, they may be carrying deep loneliness or fragile emotions they don’t want anyone to touch.

When relating to someone with an avoidant attachment style, it’s important not to push too hard. Instead, build trust gradually. Stay present without crowding them. Don’t pressure them to “open up” or “explain everything.” Meet them where they are. Even if they don’t open up, don’t interpret that as rejection.

If you’re in a relationship with an avoidant person, you might wonder, “Why don’t they want to get closer?” or “Why won’t they let me in?” This can be especially hard for those with an anxious attachment style, who may feel hurt or even rejected by the avoidant person’s emotional distance.

But please know—it’s not your fault. It’s not about something you’ve done wrong. Try not to blame yourself.

It may take time, but by showing that you’re a safe presence—someone they might eventually feel comfortable showing themselves to—you’re laying the foundations for trust. Let them open up at their own pace, while you stay gently close by.

In Closing

If you’re struggling with your relationship with someone who may be avoidant—or if you suspect you might have an avoidant style yourself—

Please, don’t carry that burden alone. At Locus of Life, we can begin to gently untangle it together.

At a pace that feels safe, let’s begin exploring your feelings. Here, you’ll find a space of quiet, compassionate conversation—one that truly honours your heart.