“Anxious attachment style: The Attachment Fluctuations Within Me”

The Foundations of Our Bonds

Attachment deeply influences the foundation of the relationships we build throughout our lives. Attachment theory was proposed by the British psychoanalyst John Bowlby, and it shows that humans are born with an innate desire to form bonds with specific caregivers. Attachment formed in early childhood, in particular, is believed to have a lasting impact on later relationships and emotional wellbeing.

What Is Anxious Attachment? Understanding Its Roots and Traits

Anxious attachment typically develops when a child grows up with caregivers whose responses are inconsistent—sometimes warm and available, other times distant or preoccupied. As a result, the child struggles to feel secure, often questioning whether they are truly loved or whether someone will be there when they need support.

As adults, those with an anxious attachment style tend to experience heightened anxiety in relationships. They may become overly dependent on others, frequently seek reassurance, or engage in behaviours that test their partner's affection. There is often an underlying fear of abandonment, along with deep self-doubt—thoughts such as "I'm not worthy of love" or "They’re going to leave me" can frequently arise. Even subtle changes in someone’s tone or behaviour can trigger strong emotional reactions.

Attachment Styles Are Not Determined Solely by Childhood

I personally took several online tests to explore my attachment style, and each time, the result was "secure attachment." However, reflecting on my actual experiences, especially in romantic relationships and parenting, I felt there were times when anxious attachment tendencies appeared within me. In other words, I feel that attachment styles are not determined only by childhood relationships with parents but can also fluctuate depending on later environments and psychological conditions.

My Childhood Family Environment

My father was a typical "work-focused" father of the Showa era in Japan. Although he was kind, he worked tirelessly from morning until night, and we children only saw him on weekends. Even on those weekends, he was busy entertaining clients or writing papers, and from adolescence onward, I hardly remember having any meaningful conversations with him. Occasionally, he would take us hiking or to the cinema on his days off, but he was very quiet, and I have few memories of real conversations with him. Looking back now, I understand that he tried to cherish his relationship with us in his own way, but as a child, I felt a constant loneliness because my father was often absent.

On the other hand, my mother was a full-time housewife who was always at home. She often listened to me when I came home from school, but at the same time, but at the same time, she would constantly tell me to "study" and "clean your room," which I often found quietly frustrating. The distance between my mother and me was a complex mixture of comfort and pressure.

Growing up in this environment, I feel that my attachment style is basically secure but combined with elements of anxious attachment.

Working in Japan and Moving to the UK

When I was in Japan, I worked as a flight attendant, and after getting married, I moved to the UK and continued working as a flight attendant on local routes. While working, I was connected to the outside world and could return to Japan frequently, so I believe I was able to maintain a sense of self.

Increasing Anxiety After Quitting Work to Raise My Child

However, after my son was born and I quit work to focus on parenting, my anxious attachment tendencies began to show more strongly. My English wasn’t very good, there were still many things I didn’t understand about life in the UK, I was completely dependent on my ex-husband, and I had no friends... Before I realized it, I think I pushed myself into thinking, "I am no good."

When I was working, I had social connections and could travel frequently to Japan, which helped me maintain my self-esteem. But after quitting my job and facing first-time parenting, while struggling with differences in educational views with my ex-husband every day, my anxiety increased. Spending all day alone with my son, even though I longed for adult conversation, I avoided speaking English because it felt troublesome.

One day, after temporarily returning to Japan with my son, I went to the airport to meet my ex-husband, who was joining us later. At that moment, he said to me, 'You seem like a completely different person from when you were in the UK. I still remember that clearly. I think those lonely days raising our son weighed heavily on my heart.

Attachment Styles Can Change

It’s often said that attachment styles can be changed. I believe this to be true—through relationships with trustworthy people and the process of deepening self-understanding, we can begin to notice the underlying fears or vulnerabilities within us and gradually allow change to take place by accepting and working with them.

This change doesn’t necessarily mean switching from one style to another overnight. Rather, it often involves becoming aware of the patterns and struggles related to our attachment style and learning to face them without being overwhelmed—a process of overcoming rather than simply "changing."

It’s also important to remember that attachment styles are not fixed. They can shift over time, depending on our life circumstances. In my own case, although I had generally identified with a secure attachment style, there were times when, due to certain relationships or environments, I began to exhibit more anxious patterns. This suggests that attachment styles are not rigid categories, but rather flexible tendencies that can shift and evolve. What matters most is recognising where we are now and how we choose to respond.

Shall We Think About This Together from Now On?

In this blog, I would like to explore attachment styles one by one, mixing in my experiences and thoughts, to consider how we can face them and how we can change.

There’s still so much more I’d like to share about anxious attachment. I hope we can keep exploring it together, one step at a time.