For Those with an Anxious Attachment Style: How to Find True Happiness Beyond Self-Acceptance

People with an anxious attachment style often repeat words like “Be kind to yourself” or “I am enough.” These phrases can be comforting, yet paradoxically, they can also distance us from genuine growth and long-term happiness.

In this article, I share my personal experience and explore the difference between self-affirmation and self-trust, as well as the importance of having boundaries (personal limits).

“Caring for Yourself” and “Indulging Yourself” Are Separated by a Fine Line

When Soothing Words Become a Barrier to Growth

Phrases such as:

“Don’t blame yourself anymore.” “I am fine as I am.”

are often the first step towards healing. But for people with an anxious attachment style, repeating these comforting words can unintentionally halt real inner growth.

At first glance, it seems like you’re accepting yourself. Yet beneath these positive words often lies a quiet fear:

“I don’t want to be hurt again.” “I don’t want to be disappointed anymore.”

The Fear Beneath the Positivity

For example, after being hurt in a relationship, you might tell yourself:

“I’m fine as I am.” “I don’t need to fall in love again.”

However, beneath this lies:

“I don’t want to be betrayed again.” “I don’t want to suffer anymore.”

Or after failing to express your opinion at work, you may settle with:

“That’s just the type of person I am.”

when in reality you might be thinking:

“No one will understand me anyway.” “I’m afraid of being dismissed.”

Healing and Defence Are Not the Same

Telling yourself “I’m fine as I am” can look like self-compassion, but in many cases it’s actually a self-defence mechanism driven by fear of change.

This isn’t wrong—anyone who has been hurt naturally wants to protect themselves. But if that protection continues for too long, it can close you off from new forms of happiness.

Self-affirmation is important. But when it becomes a warm and comfortable “lukewarm bath,” you may slowly lose the energy required for change.

This is why it’s important to quietly ask yourself:

“Am I soothing myself, or am I protecting myself?”

Simply recognising this difference marks the beginning of your next stage of growth.

My Personal Shift – From “Secure” to “Anxious”

I used to be closer to the secure attachment style. But as I grew older and my environment changed, I realised I had developed many anxious traits.

This showed up most clearly in my romantic relationships. I would doubt my partner, yet I knew expressing it wouldn’t help, so I kept everything inside. The suffering only grew.

“Relationships are supposed to make us happy—so why does it hurt this much?”

I asked myself this many times.

Looking back, I was hurting myself. I wasn’t recognising the anxiety within me; instead, I tried to be the “good person.” But that suppression—the constant self-silencing—was what hurt me the most.

What It Really Means to Trust Yourself

Self-Trust Begins with Not Doubting Your Emotions

Through self-reflection, I realised something important:

I didn’t trust myself.

Whenever I pushed down my emotions—telling myself “It’s just in my head,” or smiling even when I felt sad or uncomfortable—I was quietly betraying my own heart.

To trust yourself means to stop doubting your emotions.

If you feel sad, acknowledge it. If you feel lonely, allow yourself to feel lonely.

Don’t label your emotions as “wrong.”

This repeated practice builds the foundation for:

“I can trust myself.”

Self-Trust Is Built Through Action

Another crucial realisation is that trust is not created through thinking alone. It is built through consistent actions.

For example:

• Rest when you genuinely feel tired.

• Don’t force a smile for someone you don’t want to see.

• Act on something you genuinely want to do, even if it’s small.

These small experiences of “honouring your inner voice” gradually turn into a quiet certainty:

“I won’t abandon myself.”

Self-trust emerges when your emotions and your actions finally align. For those with an anxious attachment style, this is true healing.

Why Self-Affirmation Alone Doesn’t Lead to Change

Self-Affirmation Heals, But It Doesn’t Transform

People begin practising self-affirmation when they are in pain:

“I’m fine as I am.” “I don’t need to push myself.” “I should love myself more.”

These words bring comfort, but they don’t create lasting change.

Why?

Because self-affirmation is healing—but it is not transformation.

Saying “I’m fine as I am” helps you pause and breathe. But if you stay there too long, you unconsciously activate the brake:

“I don’t need to change anymore.”

Why People with an Anxious Attachment Style Fear Change

People with an anxious attachment style often hold the belief:

“If I change, I might get hurt again.”

So they hide behind the gentle comfort of self-affirmation and choose to remain the same.

“I just want someone who can accept me as I am.” “It’s safer not to change.”

But this isn’t genuine self-love. It is a continuation of self-defence.

True Self-Love Means “Growing Yourself”

True self-love isn’t about protecting yourself. It’s about nurturing yourself.

Safety doesn’t come from staying the same; it comes from trusting that you will be okay even when you change.

This is why the next step after self-affirmation is self-trust—supported by action.

The Power That Truly Brings You Happiness

Real happiness comes from deeply trusting yourself and living in alignment with your emotions and intuition. It also comes from freeing yourself from others’ expectations and standards.

“I can trust what I feel.” “I can trust the choices I make.”

When you reach this place, you gain an internal sense of safety that doesn’t depend on anyone else.

Equally important is establishing boundaries.

Boundaries Allow You to Stay True to Yourself

Healthy boundaries mean:

• not taking responsibility for other people’s emotions and expectations

• not handing your emotions or desires over to someone else

When you learn to hold this boundary, you can stay grounded even within relationships.

People often say the external world mirrors your inner world.

So when relationships feel painful, before blaming the other person, gently look within:

“What am I reacting to?” “What fear is being triggered?”

You may find that what appeared to be an external problem was actually a sign from your inner self.

The Anxious Attachment Style Can Be Changed

Attachment styles are not fixed. Through awareness and consistent practice, you can gradually move toward secure attachment.

“Not indulging yourself” does not mean criticising yourself. It means trusting your inner voice and living with healthy boundaries.

This kind of transformation is quiet, but it steadily leads you toward freedom.

A Final Message

For a long time, I couldn’t truly believe:

“I am fine as I am.”

I couldn’t recognise my own worth. Deep down, I constantly feared:

“What if I’m not accepted as I am?”

But that fear was unnecessary.

You are enough. I am enough.

If someone cannot accept you, it is not because you lack value—it is simply because they are not yet ready to receive you.

When you begin to accept yourself as you are, people who can love you genuinely and fully will naturally enter your life. True peace and freedom arrive at that moment.

A Message from Locus of Life

Reflecting on yourself alone is difficult. We are often blind to our own patterns because of unconscious beliefs and assumptions.

This is why having someone objective who can reflect things back to you can be incredibly powerful.

At Locus of Life, I help you recognise your emotions, understand your thoughts, and develop the strength to move forward.

This is the first step towards truly trusting yourself and living authentically.