"Rediscovering the Secure Self We Were Born With: A Journey Through Attachment Styles and Healing"

For a long time, I believed my attachment style was "anxious." Looking back at my relationships before marriage, it was clear that I depended heavily on my partner and that my own emotions were swayed by their reactions. Even after moving to the UK, in an unfamiliar environment where I struggled to find my place, I sought emotional support from my ex-husband and became deeply dependent on him.

However, at some point, I began to wonder, "Why do I carry so much anxiety?" It was then that I started studying attachment theory, which became a major turning point for me to confront my past.

Tracing Back to the "True Me"

Learning about attachment styles led me to reflect on my childhood anew. Back then, I was innocent and carefree, able to trust those around me with ease, and freely express my emotions. Pure and without hesitation, I was honest with my feelings. Increasingly, I felt that I originally had a "secure" attachment style.

But over time, my environment changed. My young heart faced many challenges. In relationships with family, friends, school, and society, I was sometimes hurt and often felt lonely. To protect myself, I gradually closed off my heart. Moreover, I tried desperately to meet the expectations and pressures around me, suppressing my true feelings, and lost the ability to connect with others with ease.

This realization was a profound turning point. By facing my past self, I gradually felt the outline of my "true self" reemerging.

Attachment Styles Are Not Fixed

Until then, I had partly accepted myself by thinking, "I'm anxious, so it can’t be helped." But this belief was illuminated in a new light. Attachment styles are not innate and unchangeable—they can evolve and grow.

By deepening self-understanding, opening my heart in parenting and new relationships, and through counseling, I was able to gradually change. This is not just theory, but a genuine experience from my own life.

Anyone Can Move Toward a Secure Style

Whether you have an anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment style, moving closer to a secure attachment is absolutely possible. It is not something only special people can achieve; it is a path open to everyone.

The first step is to know your own attachment style. It is important not to see this as a "diagnosis" or a "label" that fixes you in place, but as a doorway to understanding your emotional state and gently supporting yourself. Recognizing your patterns of thought and emotional habits becomes the foundation for self-understanding.

From there, it is necessary to look deeper, tracing back to your past. Reflect on your childhood experiences, family relationships, and the moments in life that remain in your heart. Carefully face the feelings you had then. Sadness, anger, anxiety, loneliness... these emotions can be painful and something you may want to avoid. But by bravely allowing yourself to fully feel them, the healing process truly begins.

Healing the Inner Child

A crucial part of this process is facing the "inner child"—the wounded young self inside you. That little you may have felt unseen, lonely, and struggled desperately. To that small self, gently say, "You did well," and "It’s okay." This is the essence of healing the inner child.

This healing is not something someone else can do for you; it is an act of warmly embracing your own heart with your own hands. Like gently holding and comforting your wounded younger self. From there, the journey to reclaim your true self begins.

Letting go of emotions is not about forgetting or forcibly erasing them, but about accepting and releasing them. Only then can stability and security grow within your heart. This is not a one-time event but a repeated process that gradually balances your mind and helps you manage your emotions healthily. That is why it is essential to face yourself patiently and kindly.

Practical Steps Toward Security

From my experience, here are some ways to move closer to a secure attachment style:

• Deepen Self-Understanding: Through journaling (writing down your feelings) and counseling, notice when you feel anxious and what kind of thinking patterns you tend to have.

• Value Trustworthy Relationships: Cultivate relationships where you can safely express your feelings. Your heart learns, "It’s okay to be connected."

• Accumulate Small Successes: For example, try expressing your opinion to someone or asking for help from a trusted person. Small actions build confidence.

• Incorporate Self-Care: Take walks, listen to music, use aromatherapy, do yoga, or practice deep breathing. Bring your attention to the "here and now," and listen to your body and mind.

The Inner Strength to Change

What supports all of these actions is a strong inner belief: “I’ll be okay.”

Fear and anxiety may still come in waves. But each time they do, we can remind ourselves: “Even so, I can get through this.”

There’s a phrase I hold close to my heart:

This belief has comforted me many times.

Difficulties are not just obstacles —they are invitations for growth.

How we choose to face them shapes who we become.

Finally—A Message for You

To those struggling with their attachment style: please do not judge yourself only by who you are now. Inside you surely lies the "secure self" you were meant to be.

Because when you were born a baby, you were inherently secure. You had the natural ability to trust, feel safe, and seek comfort.

Understanding, cherishing, and believing in yourself is never easy, but small steps will definitely lead to change.

You are enough just as you are. And you have the power within you.

If facing this alone feels too hard, please do not hesitate to talk to someone you trust. And if needed, seeking professional support is also a way of taking care of yourself.

At Locus of Life, I support deep understanding of attachment styles and building the foundation to live authentically. We walk alongside you, step by step, as you create a place of safety in your heart.

May your life be wrapped in your own unique light.