The Reality of International Marriage (Part 3) : Lessons from Life in the UK and a Divorce Case

This article shares my personal experience of marrying and divorcing a British partner, covering child custody issues, divorce proceedings in the UK, Mirror Orders, the Hague Convention, and cultural differences. It is not merely a personal story but offers psychological insights for those navigating international divorce and life abroad.

This article explores the realities of family life and parenting overseas, as well as the psychological and cultural challenges that arise during international divorce. Readers will gain practical insights into difficulties abroad, steps to protect their children, and ways to navigate legal processes based on real experience.

This article is particularly useful for:

✅Those considering international marriage or divorce abroad

✅Those wanting to understand child custody and divorce proceedings in the UK

✅Those wanting to learn about Mirror Orders and the Hague Convention

✅Those curious about the realities of being a single parent overseas

✅Those wishing to understand emotional abuse, psychological control, and mediation through first-hand accounts

I am not a legal professional, but I share insights based on my experience, offering guidance on coping with international divorce, parenting, and cultural differences. I hope this provides reassurance and helps readers make informed decisions.

Note: This article is not intended to accuse or defame anyone. The content reflects my personal experience and perception of events, aiming to convey the realities of international marriage and divorce.

Lessons from Divorce Proceedings in the UK: Child Custody and Mirror Orders

The Shock of Starting a Divorce in the UK

A few years after our son was born, our marriage began to move in a direction I had never expected. In 2016, I received a sudden notification that divorce proceedings had been initiated. Until then, our relationship appeared calm on the surface, but everything changed overnight. The reality I was forced to face was far beyond anything I had imagined.

During the first four months of the divorce process, he continued to stay in the house. However, his purpose was not to preserve the family but to apply psychological pressure on me. CCTV cameras were installed inside the house, and whenever I showed emotion, he would film me on his mobile phone. Looking back now, I realise he was collecting evidence to use against me in court.

After one argument, he pinned me down so forcefully that bruises were left on my arm. Terrified, I called the police, and he was temporarily taken away. Yet afterwards, he left the house claiming it was “for his own safety”. It was impossible to understand at the time, but he later used this incident in court to present himself as the “victim”.

Even after he moved out, his attempts to break me down continued. Whenever I contacted him about our son, he would accuse me of “emotional blackmail”. I began to feel as though I were constantly being watched and judged. Anxiety and fear seeped into my daily life, and there was barely a moment when my mind felt at peace.

Although I had previous experience living abroad, I had never before faced a situation where false statements were made in court or where someone deliberately used lies to corner another person. This was not something that could be dismissed as a cultural difference—it was the painful reality of watching trust in a relationship collapse.

Custody Battles and Challenges in UK Court

The first court case was about my son’s custody. It was my first experience with legal terminology and the court system, and I had to navigate it almost entirely by trial and error. To ensure that the court correctly understood what would be in the best interests of my son, I met with the officer from CAFCASS (Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service) and explained our situation to the headteacher at his school. Additionally, I arranged for my son to receive psychological counselling so that he would be affected as little as possible by the divorce. Everything was a completely new experience for me.

During the mediation (the pre-court negotiation), I strongly felt the differences in culture and values. I expressed my concern, saying, “He doesn’t cook much, so I’m worried about my son’s meals at his house.” To which the mediator replied:

“Is it really a problem if your son eats McDonald’s a few times a week?”

Hearing this from the mediator was a huge shock for me. Having grown up in Japan, I believed it was natural for parents to provide meals with nutrition and health in mind. That one comment made me acutely aware of the cultural differences.

Although he worked full-time, he sought full custody of our son. However, in the end, the court recognised me as the main carer and allowed temporary visits to Japan under certain conditions.

Mirror Orders and the Hague Convention: Restricted Return to Japan

However, the problems did not end there. During the proceedings, he requested the issuance of a “Mirror Order” from Japan. A Mirror Order is a legal procedure that allows a decision made by a UK court to be formally recognised and enforceable in Japan.

I understood the Hague Convention (the international agreement on the civil aspects of international child abduction), so I believed that, strictly speaking, it wasn’t necessarily required. However, my lawyer advised me:

“If you completely refuse everything, it may be difficult for you to achieve the outcome you want. Some compromise is necessary.”

Driven by the desire to allow my son to meet his family in Japan, I agreed to this condition. However, as a result, the Mirror Order procedure meant that I could not return to Japan for the following year.

I translated the UK court order into Japanese, prepared legal representation in Japan, and even asked him to arrange for a lawyer in Japan. I even offered to introduce him to a Japanese lawyer if needed. Yet, he claimed he “didn’t have the money” or was “too busy,” and took no steps to proceed. It was only then that I realised—this was a tactic to prevent my son and me from returning to Japan. This was the true reason he requested the Mirror Order.

My elderly parents in Japan were eagerly waiting to see their grandchild, my son. There was no way I could give up at that point.

Eventually, I arranged round-trip tickets and all the necessary documents, went back to court, and filed the request again. One year after the final court order, and three years after the proceedings began, I was finally allowed a temporary return to Japan. The moment I arrived, tears streamed down my face, and I was filled with overwhelming relief.

Financial Battles: Property and Maintenance in UK Court

Even in the court proceedings concerning financial matters, such as division of assets and child support, I was faced with harsh realities. The fact that I had supported our household all this time, and had even covered part of his debts, was barely taken into account in court. He approached the case with an attitude of “I’ll take as much as I can,” showing no apparent concern for the future stability and well-being of our son and me. It felt as though causing me suffering was his objective in itself.

Throughout this process, both my mind and body were pushed to their limits. Navigating legal procedures in English, facing an international divorce in a foreign culture, and being in a vulnerable position as a foreigner—constantly exposed to immeasurable anxiety and stress—made continuing the court process in the UK extremely difficult.

Yet, the principle I consistently upheld was to speak only the truth. Without exaggeration, without lowering myself to the same level as the other party, I conveyed the facts to the court. This was a conviction I could not compromise. Holding on to this stance, and clinging to the small hope that someone would understand, I managed to navigate the proceedings step by step. In the end, the court delivered a fair and appropriate judgement.

However, during those long and gruelling months, I was constantly haunted by the fear of “what will become of my son and me?” The life that had once been happy had somehow turned into such sorrow, and this thought weighed heavily on my heart. Even after the ruling, the emotional wounds and feelings of emptiness did not easily heal.

Learning from Cultural and Value Differences in International Marriage

Through this experience, I learned a great deal. There were many days when I asked myself, “Why did I come to the UK?” and felt regret. Yet at the same time, it was precisely because of my life in the UK that I was able to rediscover the goodness of Japan and the warmth of family. I also met new friends and supportive people here in the UK, and I realised that even in a foreign country, human connections can provide immense emotional support.

There are real challenges that everyone may face in an international marriage.

• Cultural differences

  
  

• Language barriers

  
  

• Differences in family values and beliefs

  
  

• Differences in international legal systems

Choosing an international marriage means being prepared to face these challenges. When two people from different cultures and value systems try to live together, there are inevitably problems that cannot be solved by love alone. I realised that in addition to love, mutual understanding, compromise, and flexibility are essential. I also experienced firsthand how differences in legal systems and culture can have a significant impact in cases of international divorce or court proceedings in the UK. Nevertheless, even amidst difficulties, there are opportunities for learning and growth. Through this experience, I learned how to protect myself and navigate the future while confronting challenges head-on.

If you are considering an international marriage, or if you are already dealing with the challenges of international marriage or divorce, it is crucial not to embark on overseas life based solely on dreams, but to understand the possible challenges and risks and prepare for them. International marriage can certainly bring new possibilities to life, but at the same time, it requires the readiness to face harsh realities when they arise.

Psychological insights and the importance of support gained from international divorce

Through a long and difficult court battle, I finally had the opportunity to confront myself. Without this experience, I would not have been able to deepen my psychological understanding as I have today.

Living abroad, facing language barriers, and navigating cultural differences are far more challenging than I had imagined, and no amount of love can avoid these trials. At the same time, I deeply felt how much family, friends, and trusted third parties can support and help a person recover. A single hand extended in loneliness, a single word, can become a powerful force sustaining life. Surely, this is a vital insight that transcends countries and cultures and is shared by all humanity.

Through the court proceedings and mediation in the UK, I learned the importance of expressing my opinions clearly and solving problems through assertiveness. At the same time, I realised the value of human connections emphasized in Japanese culture. Having grown up in Japan, I have deeply internalised the values of respecting others and maintaining harmony. Experiencing cultural differences first-hand while appreciating the strengths of each culture has been an important lesson for living in a cross-cultural environment.

Through these experiences, I came to understand that international marriage inevitably involves challenges that everyone may face. Differences in culture, customs, and language — there are certainly obstacles that cannot be overcome by love alone. Yet, even amidst difficulties, there are opportunities for learning and growth. By recognising the importance of connections with others and the support of those around us, I learned how to protect myself while navigating the future in a foreign country.

A Message from My Experience with International Marriage and Divorce

I did not write this blog out of hatred for him. Rather, I wrote it to share the truth with all of you, and to give insight into the real-life challenges of international marriage and the unexpectedly difficult situations one may face. I also recognise that who I am today is, in part, thanks to him. I now see that this thorny path was unavoidable if I was to become the person I am today.

Writing while reflecting on the past has, in a way, been a form of healing for me. I realised that I had not fully processed the emotions I felt when my passport was taken from me, so I deliberately put my feelings into words and confronted them. In doing so, I shed many tears, but that too was an important step in rebuilding myself.

Through this three-part series, I sincerely hope that by sharing my real experiences, I can provide even a little guidance or courage to those facing the challenges of international marriage, life abroad, or international divorce. Knowing that “these things can happen” when making life choices or important decisions can be a great help in making decisions with fewer regrets.

I believe that everything happening to us has meaning, and that challenges arise because there are problems within us that need resolving. No matter how difficult it may be, people can learn, grow, and once again live a life that is truly their own. Thank you so much to everyone who has read this blog to the very end.

Locus of Life: Supporting Those Facing Challenges Abroad

Based on the lessons I have learned from my experiences, I founded Locus of Life. Here,

Locus of Life provides support that is sensitive to the heart, focusing on themes such as international marriage and divorce, life abroad, attachment styles, and challenges in personal relationships.

If you are currently struggling or feeling uncertain about life overseas, international marriage or divorce, or personal relationships, Locus of Life offers support to help you safely process your feelings and move forward.

Drawing from my own experiences and insights, I sincerely hope to be of help to others who are facing similar challenges