3 Ways to Ease Worries : Accepting the Gap Between Ideal and Reality

Throughout life, everyone encounters struggles. In fact, many of these arise from the gap between the ideal self and the real self.

Have you ever felt, on days when things don’t go well, that perhaps you are not enough?Before blaming yourself, take a moment to pause and reflect on this “misalignment in your heart.” It may be a sign that your heart is preparing for personal growth.

Why Do Struggles Arise?

— The “Cognitive Dissonance” Between Ideal and Reality

As long as we live, we will experience some form of struggle. But where do these struggles come from?

In many cases, struggles stem from the gap between what we want to be and the reality.

Everyone has an ideal version of themselves, but reality rarely unfolds exactly as we wish.

Consider these examples:

• Wanting recognition at work, yet not receiving it

• Wanting closer friendships, but feeling distance

• Wanting to feel confident, but constantly facing failure or anxiety

  
  

This is known in psychology as cognitive dissonance. Although your mind says, “I want to be like this,” reality is different—the resulting contradiction creates a subtle sense of discomfort or inner conflict.

Struggles also have another dimension: the gap between social or cultural expectations. Trying to conform to “what one should be” according to society or others can make you lose touch with your true feelings and personal pace.

As a result, you experience not only the gap between ideal and reality, but also the pain of self-criticism, which deepens the struggle.

In other words, struggles are:

🌿 A sign that your ideal self and your present reality are misaligned

🌿 A signal that you are recognising differences between your own values and those of society or others

Becoming aware of this gap is the first step towards personal growth and self-understanding.

Being Trapped by “Shoulds”: The First Step to Letting Go of Self-Criticism

When we notice a gap, many people assume the ideal is always correct.

“I’m not enough as I am,” “I need to try harder”—we end up blaming ourselves.

Psychologist Carl Rogers called this the inconsistency between self-concept and experience. When your image of “how you should be” conflicts with your actual self, inner suffering arises.

However, Rogers also said:

“When we accept our experience as it is, we grow towards our true self.”

We tend to pursue the “ideal self” while denying the self that exists right now. True healing doesn’t come from achieving the ideal, but from understanding and accepting your present self.

My Own Struggle: Unlocking the Chains of Perfection

During my counselling studies, my teacher once said:

“There’s nothing you have to do.”

At the time, I was constantly blaming myself. “I couldn’t speak properly today,” “I should be liked more”—I carried small pains in my chest every day.

Even a small hesitation in English would make me tense and trap me in a cycle of self-criticism.

Then one day, my teacher calmly asked:

“Why do you think you have to speak English perfectly? You are living in the UK using English as a second language, and you are managing just fine.”

The moment I heard that, something in my chest relaxed. The chains that had bound me for years loosened slightly.

—I realised I had been doing my best. I had experienced failures and anxieties, but I had come this far.

I had thought I wasn’t a “bad person,” yet deep down, I had been telling myself: “I must improve because I’m not enough.” I am not a failure or bad person.

Tears welled up. The world felt softer, bathed in a gentle light. For the first time, I wanted to say “thank you” to myself, who had been endlessly self-critical.

From that day, the “I must” chains began to loosen. Though my progress was uneven, I felt a small sense of reassurance growing in my chest. This was the beginning of accepting myself as I am.

Three Ways to Ease Your Struggles

When we struggle, how can we ease our hearts even a little?Here are three psychological perspectives to help. You don’t need to force positivity—just a small shift in perspective can allow your heart to move gently.

1. Observe Reality Mindfully, “As It Is”

When struggling, we tend to judge reality with emotions and evaluations.“ I’m hopeless,” “I can’t do this”—these are typical thoughts.

The key is to set aside judgements and ideals and observe what is happening as a fact.

For example:

• “I’m failing at work” → “I feel I am not succeeding right now”

• “I’m having difficulties with my relationships” → “I feel distance from this person”

• “I feel pain” → “I am experiencing pain right now”

  
  

Just changing your words slightly creates mental space. This is similar to mindfulness in psychology, where simply observing without evaluation helps calm the mind. Seeing reality as it is is the first step to breaking the cycle of self-criticism.

2. Change Your Perspective (Reframing)

The same event can have a completely different meaning depending on your perspective. Psychologists call this reframing.

For example:

• “I failed” → “I tried something new”

• “I got angry” → “I was protecting something important”

• “I feel anxious” → “It shows I’m living sincerely”

  
  

The key to reframing is not changing the event itself, but changing its meaning. A small shift in perspective can bring a refreshing sense of relief.

3. Place “Kindness” Between Ideal and Reality

Ideals drive us forward, but too large a gap can lead to self-criticism.

It’s important to place “kindness” between your ideal and reality:

• “I am still in progress”

• “Even if things aren’t perfect, I am moving forward gradually”

  
  

This aligns with the psychological concept of self-acceptance. Creating a soft space allows ideals to be a source of hope rather than an enemy.

Being kind to yourself is the first step to understanding and reconciling with your struggles.

Questioning “Right” and “Should”

In today’s social media age, messages of “this is right” or “this is how you should be” flood us as if they are the only answer.

But is that really the “correct” way?

For instance, one of my clients is a woman who moved from Asia to the UK. She firmly believed that children must take care of their parents, no matter what. This is a respected and natural value in her home country.

In the UK, taking care of parents may not be considered “obligatory.” Yet she thought:

“If I return to my country, everyone does it. I must do it too.”

While this thought dominated her mind, she began to question it:

“But is that really true?”

This kind of inner conflict is common when encountering cultural or value differences. Neither choice is strictly right or wrong. The key insight is: what is “right” varies across cultures and contexts.

Likewise, many of our daily “musts” may simply reflect the values of society or family, rather than our own.

Pause and ask yourself:

“Is this really what I want to do? And is this the ‘rightness’ I truly believe in?”

By asking these questions, the chains of ‘musts’ slowly loosen, allowing you to quietly steer towards the life you truly wish to live.

Struggles as Signs of Heart Growth

Struggles are never meaningless. They reflect your desire to live a better life.

Psychology views struggles and inner conflict as part of the process of growth. When we notice the gap between ideal and reality, we naturally begin to ask: “How can I improve?” Through this process, we discover our values, limitations, strengths, and weaknesses.

Struggles as Opportunities for Self-Understanding

Even small daily struggles are signals to reflect on your heart. For example:

• “I’m not achieving what I want at work”

• “I’m having difficulties with my relationships”

• “I feel anxious about the future”

  
  

Through these struggles, you gradually build the capacity to face your heart. Ask yourself:

“Why do I feel so anxious?” “Is this really what I want?” “What is the ‘rightness’ I truly believe in?”

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These questions are the first steps towards deeper self-understanding.

Learning to Take Care of Yourself Through Struggles

The presence of ideals naturally produces discomfort when reality doesn’t match. But this pain is a sign of being alive, and the lessons learned from struggles enrich future choices and actions.

Rather than trying to eliminate struggles, first listen to the desires within them. Struggles indicate that your heart is preparing to grow. By noticing and facing them carefully, you can accept yourself as you are and nurture peace of mind.

Conclusion

We all live under the weight of “musts” and “shoulds.”But pausing and shifting perspective can reveal a new face of your struggles.

Struggles are not meant to bind you—they are opportunities to set yourself free. This is what I truly believe.

If, after reading this, you feel the desire to organise your thoughts or talk about your struggles with someone, I invite you to visit a Locus of Life session. Together, we can cultivate a space to listen to your heart at your own pace. We provide support to help you find your own way of living, free from “shoulds.”