The Trap of Positive Thinking: How to Cultivate True Self-Esteem Beyond Fake Confidence

Phrases like “Think positively” or “Stay optimistic and everything will be fine” are often heard in daily life. Social media is filled with posts claiming that “positive thinking is the key to success,” and self-help books frequently advocate cultivating a positive mindset.

Indeed, maintaining a positive attitude can help us cope during difficult times. However, the belief that we must always be positive can, paradoxically, cause stress and anxiety.

Drawing from my own experiences, I want to explore the dangers of forced positivity and highlight the importance of healing the inner child within ourselves.

The Social Pressure to Be Positive

Modern society often frames life in binary terms: “Positive = good,” “Negative = bad.”

For example:

• When you feel down after a failure, someone might say, “Don’t look so gloomy; it will drive away your luck.”

  
  

• After a sad event, someone might say, “Try to look on the bright side!”

  
  

• If you express vulnerability, you may hear, “You’re being too negative.”

  
  

While these comments may seem encouraging, for the recipient, they can trigger feelings of inadequacy: “I’m failing because I can’t stay positive,” or “I’m worthless because I’m showing weakness.” As a result, people hide their true feelings, put on a mask of cheerfulness, and become more isolated.

My Experience with Forced Positivity

A few years ago, wanting to improve my self-esteem, I tried hypnotherapy in the UK. At that time, I had a strong desire to “be more confident.”

The therapist told me, “If you want to increase your self-esteem, just act confident.”

I didn’t argue at the time, but deep down I thought, “That’s not what I need.” I wasn’t looking for a superficial display of confidence; I wanted genuine self-trust that comes from within.

The therapist added, “You used to work as a flight attendant, so you must already have self-esteem.”

Indeed, in my role as a cabin crew member, I confidently interacted with passengers. But that was professional confidence, necessary for the job—it wasn’t the same as truly accepting and trusting my inner self. I felt a strong sense of dissonance hearing that.

The Morning Challenge: Driving with “Fake Confidence”

Still, I decided to try the therapist’s advice the next morning.

I am not confident behind the wheel, but I thought, “Today, I will drive as if I am confident.” Sitting in the driver’s seat, I approached the roundabout with an air of certainty.

What happened next? I was honked at twice and had a few near-miss moments. Thankfully, no accidents occurred—but I realised that had there been a collision, my self-esteem would not only have failed to improve, it would have taken a major hit.

From this experience, I learned that “acting confident” is not only ineffective—it can be risky. True self-trust cannot come from pretending.

Ignoring Your Inner Child Prevents Lasting Positivity

Why doesn’t pretending to be positive lead to lasting change? The answer lies in the inner child—the small part of us that holds onto childhood feelings of loneliness, anger, and hurt.

Even as adults, these unresolved experiences can make us over-sensitive to everyday events. We might try to “stay positive,” but if the inner child is not healed, our emotional stability remains fragile. Even while smiling on the surface, the slightest criticism or setback can trigger old anxieties and fears.

Positive affirmations or pep talks are temporary measures, like putting a plaster over a wound. The real pain remains hidden and can resurface unexpectedly. For example, even when practising self-esteem exercises, a lingering thought like, “Am I really okay?” can still arise.

True positivity doesn’t come from forcing ourselves to act cheerful. It begins with recognising and comforting our inner child. Listening to these inner voices and acknowledging their existence forms the foundation for genuine self-confidence and self-esteem.

Embracing Negative Emotions for True Self-Esteem

When we feel down or anxious, it’s natural to want to “snap out of it” and put on a brave face. But suppressing emotions or forcing positivity can actually drain our energy.

The key is to first acknowledge: “This is how I feel right now.” Simple practices such as journaling your thoughts, naming your emotions, or speaking to someone you trust can relieve feelings of anxiety and isolation. The goal is not to find immediate solutions but to have your emotions genuinely heard and accepted.

These small practices gradually build a foundation for self-esteem. Accepting your crying, angry, or anxious self without judgment is a crucial step toward authentic self-worth.

Furthermore, being able to acknowledge your own negative emotions enhances empathy and the ability to build meaningful relationships. People who can accept their own emotional range are better able to understand and connect with others.

Self-Esteem is About Authenticity, Not Perfection

Self-esteem is not about being perfect; it is about accepting yourself fully, including your fears, weaknesses, and insecurities. By taking small actions, writing down your thoughts, speaking honestly to a trusted person, or practising mindful breathing, you can gradually cultivate a deep, internal sense of self-confidence.

Even the smallest steps, repeated over time, lead to the emergence of true self-trust, not the “pretend confidence” of forced positivity, but an internal, lasting belief in yourself.

Final Thoughts

From my hypnotherapy experience and the driving challenge, I learned that surface-level positivity is insufficient. What truly matters is healing the inner child and treating negative emotions as important signals rather than threats.

Being positive can inspire and energise, but the compulsion to always be positive can be damaging. Start small: allow yourself to feel your emotions, listen to your inner self, and acknowledge yourself as you are.

Crying, feeling angry, or experiencing anxiety is not weakness. Being honest with your emotions nurtures genuine self-confidence and authentic self-esteem. Through consistent, small steps, you will gradually build a foundation of self-trust that arises naturally from within.

At Locus of Life, we support individuals in engaging with their emotions and cultivating mental wellbeing. If you wish to explore self-esteem or emotional balance, please feel free to contact us.