For Those with an Avoidant Attachment Style: How Expressing Your Emotions Leads to True Security – Key Traits and Strategies for Change

Introduction: When Independence Feels Natural but Intimacy Feels Uncomfortable

Do you consider yourself someone who is “not swayed by emotions” and “strongly independent”?Yet when relationships become intimate, do you suddenly want distance, reduce contact, or feel a subtle sense of discomfort or anxiety arising within you?

If this feels familiar, it may be a typical response of an avoidant attachment style. And importantly—you are absolutely not a person “without emotions”. Behind these reactions lies a natural protective instinct: the fear of being hurt or rejected.

Characteristics of an Avoidant Attachment Style: Seeking Safety Through Distance and Independence

People with an avoidant attachment style often try to secure a sense of safety by keeping emotional or relational distance.

By telling themselves, “I’m fine on my own” or “I don’t get carried away by emotions,” they may appear calm on the surface. Yet beneath that exterior, fears of being hurt or rejected frequently lie hidden.

For example, someone I know—let’s call them A—would suddenly reduce contact or meet far less often whenever a relationship became emotionally close.

“I’m not ready yet.” “If I get too involved, I might get hurt.”

These behaviours are unconscious defence mechanisms—natural attempts to protect oneself. However, they can also unintentionally create distance from genuine closeness and emotional safety.

Avoidant Patterns I Have Observed

Although I am not avoidant myself, through working with people—both in close relationships and in professional settings—I have noticed several recurring avoidant behaviour patterns:

• Withdrawing suddenly when relationships become emotionally intimate

• Avoiding expressing opinions and reducing their presence

• Suppressing emotions and bottling them up inside

  
  

These individuals may appear calm and self-reliant, yet deep down there is often loneliness, anxiety, and a strong fear of rejection.

Avoidant individuals also tend to base their actions on how the other person behaves:

• When the other person does not express emotions → they don’t express their own

• When the other person distances themselves → they also step back

  
  

Ironically, these attempts to “match the other person” often lead to even less intimacy and emotional security.

Why It Can Be Difficult for Avoidant Individuals to Trust Themselves

People with an avoidant attachment style sometimes believe they trust themselves because they can “control their emotions” or “stay unaffected by others”.But this sense of self-reliance is frequently a form of self-protection.

Deep down, anxieties such as the following often exist:

• “If I show my emotions, I might be rejected.”

• “If I reveal my true self, I might not be accepted.”

• “If I express what I want, it might inconvenience someone.”

  
  

As a result, they push emotions down and choose distance.

True self-trust begins with believing: “My emotions are not wrong. It is safe for me to express them.”

Even a small step—acknowledging a feeling and putting it into words—can nurture the inner sense of “I can trust myself”.

Practical Steps for Connecting with Your Emotions

1. Notice Sensations in Your Body

• A tight chest → possibly anxiety

• A heavy feeling in the stomach → possibly sadness

• Tension in shoulders or neck → possibly anger

  
  

2. Name the Emotion

• “I am feeling anxious right now.”

• “I can feel sadness.”

  
  

3. Express It in a Safe Way

• Writing in a journal

• Sharing a little with someone you trust

• Expressing through drawing or music

  
  

Over time, repeating this helps you realise, “My emotions are valid. It’s safe for me to trust myself.”

Creating Safety Through Healthy Boundaries

One reason avoidant individuals distance themselves is because they unconsciously over-adapt to others. This can be eased by becoming aware of personal boundaries.

• Do not take responsibility for others’ expectations or reactions

• Do not hand over your emotions or needs to someone else

• Choose your own timing and level of emotional expression

• 
  

These boundary practices gently reduce avoidant patterns.

Small Actions That Build Self-Trust

• If you feel, “I don’t want to meet today,” allow yourself to rest

• If you want to say something, express even a small part of it

• If you feel sad or lonely, write it in your journal

  
  

These small acts accumulate and create the inner belief: “I will not abandon myself.”

This is the foundation for change in avoidant attachment.

You Can Build Emotionally Safe Relationships—Even with Avoidant Tendencies

An avoidant attachment style is not fixed. With awareness and steady practice, you can move towards a more secure attachment and feel safer in relationships.

True safety doesn’t come from distancing yourself. It comes from trusting yourself as you build connections, even with the possibility of being hurt.

You Are Enough, Exactly as You Are

You are allowed to feel sad when you’re sad. You are allowed to reach out when you feel lonely. You are allowed to feel anger without denying it.

Expressing emotions is not weakness—it is a sign that you are alive. Through feeling and expressing them, you gradually reconnect with your authentic self.

Believe in yourself. Accept yourself. You do not need to be perfect. Honouring your emotions is the first step to genuine self-trust.

When you can trust yourself, the way you relate to others changes. Connection becomes rooted in safety rather than fear. Trusting others no longer feels frightening.

From there, you can begin to build warmer, healthier relationships—relationships that start with the version of you who no longer hides your emotions.

A Message from Locus of Life

Reflecting on yourself alone can be very challenging. Unconscious beliefs and fears often cloud your ability to see clearly.

This is why having someone look at your inner world objectively can be so powerful.

At Locus of Life, I support you in facing your emotions, understanding them, and cultivating the strength to move forward. This is the first step towards overcoming avoidant patterns and forming relationships where you can feel truly safe and connected.