Don’t Blame Yourself for Not Changing: How Counselling Reveals Your Mind’s Defences
- Locus of Life
- 13 hours ago
- 4 min read
If you are in counselling yet feel you’re not changing, you might blame yourself. But this is not a sign of laziness or weak will. It may simply mean that your mind is activating its natural defences.
Repeating the same patterns, feeling detached while talking to your therapist, or wondering “Why can’t I change?” —these are not personal failures. They are signs your heart is trying to protect you from further hurt and from losing yourself again.
There is no need to panic about not changing. The “brake” you feel is a form of wisdom—your mind’s way of keeping you safe. Noticing it is already the start of healing.
The Real Reason Your Mind Resists Change
Our minds are remarkably wise and cautious. Throughout life, we have endured pain, fear, and loneliness. In that process, we unconsciously learned how to avoid being hurt and how to avoid being rejected. These experiences formed internal rules designed to protect us.
Even if these rules now contribute to your struggles, your mind trusts them because they helped you survive.
So when you move towards change, the mind asks: “Is it really safe to let this go?” And it presses the brake.
This resistance is not laziness or self-sabotage. It is a protective instinct saying, “I don’t want to feel that pain again.”
For example:
Someone told as a child “Don’t cry; you’re a nuisance” may still suppress their tears as an adult.
Someone who learned “I must be good to be loved” may struggle to express anger or dissatisfaction.
Someone who believed “Showing weakness is dangerous” may find it impossible to rely on others.
These were once essential survival strategies—your own creative ways of coping.
If those strategies now keep you confined, that may be a sign you are ready for a new stage of life.
When the mind appears to resist change, something deeper is occurring: a longing to live safely and authentically.
Listening to that longing without rushing is the first step towards transformation.
Don’t Treat Your Defence Mechanisms as the Enemy
In counselling, it is important not to treat your defence mechanisms as something bad. They are strategies you developed to survive.
The word “defence” may sound negative—like a barrier or form of avoidance. But beneath every defence lies something gentle: the wish to protect yourself.
Your defences are like a thick winter coat. It may feel heavy now, but without it, you would have frozen back then.
We do not break defences. We observe them gently and wait for the moment your heart feels safe enough to loosen them.
Counselling provides a safe space to explore not only what you do to protect yourself, but why you had to do it.
Gradually, the sadness, fear, and true longing hidden beneath your defences begin to surface.
And at that point, people don’t simply “change”—they return to themselves.
When You “Can’t Remember the Past,” That Too Is a Defence
Some clients tell me, “I don’t remember much of my past." Others become silent or change the subject when difficult memories arise.
This is not pretending. It means the heart is not ready to revisit painful experiences yet.
And that is entirely understandable. You have worked so hard to get to where you are. Re-entering that pain may simply be too much for your mind right now.
Whenever I sense this, I think: “You don’t have to push yourself any more.”
So I say:
“There is no need to force anything. When you feel ready, you can share in your own time.”
There is no single correct way to process suffering. Some people take months or years. Some open up slowly when they feel truly heard.
Everyone’s healing looks different. And that is okay.
The moment you feel, “This is painful”, you have already taken a step forward.
Change Means “Returning to Who You Really Are”
Many people believe that change means becoming a different or better version of themselves. But genuine change is far softer:
Change is the act of embracing the parts of yourself you once had to abandon.
For example:
Telling your younger self, “You did your best.”
Noticing your hidden anger or sadness and saying, “You were holding so much inside.”
Shining light on the parts you’ve buried and embracing them gently—that is the essence of authentic transformation.
Wanting to change may appear simple, yet it requires great courage.Because it means facing the pain, fear, and feelings you’ve avoided.
Crying in counselling or saying “I can’t do this any more” is not weakness. It is your heart finally feeling safe.
Change is the courage to be kind to yourself. Quiet, steady, and powerful.
And that small courage not only transforms your life but can heal someone else, too.
Your defence mechanisms were never your enemy. They have been protecting you all along. And the moment you recognise this, healing begins.
If You Would Like Support in Exploring Your Inner World
If this article made you think, “I want to understand my feelings more deeply,” or“ I’d like support in learning to care for myself,” please feel free to contact Locus of Life.
At Locus of Life, I offer gentle, human-centred counselling so you can explore your emotions safely. There is no pressure to speak. You can open up gradually, at your own pace.
I value messages such as:
“Don’t blame yourself for not changing.” “The moment you feel discomfort, you have already taken a step forward.”
With these values at the heart of our work, I provide counselling that truly honours your emotional safety.
Please reach out whenever you feel ready.
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