"Do Hurt People Really Hurt Others?: A Cross-Cultural Perspective"

One day, a British friend of mine said to me, “Hurt people hurt people.” I remember how that short yet powerful phrase left a deep impression on my heart.

The idea that unresolved wounds can unconsciously be projected onto others seems to be widely recognised in Western culture.

In contrast, Japan has a completely different perspective: the belief that “people who have been hurt can become kind.” The notion is that knowing one’s own pain allows one to empathise with others. In a sense, this concept echoes the Japanese saying onko-chishin (温故知新, “learning new things from the past”), which emphasises reflecting on past events and wisdom to gain new insights that can be applied to the future.

The idea that one can become gentler through one’s wounds may represent a way of viewing past pain not merely as suffering, but as a seed for learning and growth.

In this article, I would like to explore the differences between these two cultural perspectives, the philosophies behind them, and the power of wounds as I have experienced it myself.

Cross-Cultural Perspectives: How Wounds Are Perceived in the West and Japan

In Western societies, individualism is highly valued. People are encouraged to express their emotions and thoughts openly, and it is widely accepted that unresolved internal conflicts and wounds can affect relationships. The saying “hurt people hurt people” is often cited in psychology and counselling, highlighting the importance of recognising and healing unresolved emotions and trauma. This perspective, which connects personal mental health with the impact on others, aligns closely with Western values of self-understanding and personal responsibility.

In Japan, however, harmony within the group and consideration for others have been emphasised over centuries. Influenced by Buddhism and Confucianism, people are taught that rather than projecting emotions outward, it is ideal to reflect inwardly and cultivate inner peace. Pain and suffering are not merely suppressed but are embraced and transformed into compassion and empathy for others—a process that can be described as the “positive utilisation of wounds” in Japanese culture.

Even in everyday situations, people may notice and respond to others’ small anxieties or sorrows. Such sensitivity often arises because they themselves have experienced similar pain. If the Western perspective begins with “taking care of oneself,” the Japanese perspective places greater importance on “connecting with others through one’s own pain.”

These cultural differences are not merely a matter of philosophy or values; they influence how society as a whole builds relationships and communicates. How we perceive our wounds and how we use them to relate to others—though the answers may differ by culture—reflect fundamental aspects of human nature.

The Power of Wounds as I Have Experienced It

I, too, have experienced events that shook my life profoundly. This came in the form of a divorce.

At first, I was overwhelmed by deep grief, self-blame, doubts about my former partner, anxiety, and loneliness—my mind was a whirlwind of emotions. There were times when I could not see my own worth.

Amidst this, I began to feel a strong desire to understand the human mind better and started studying counselling. After my divorce, when I was nearly crushed by loneliness and loss, I chose not to avoid or forcibly erase the pain but to face it fully. Through this process, I learned to understand my heart’s responses, to accept myself rather than blame myself, and gradually, I developed the ability to be more sensitive to others’ pain and to offer empathetic support.

Through deepening my learning, I gradually gained the capacity to understand myself and to embrace others from a broader perspective.

Now, I even feel that the divorce was not merely a “failure” but a necessary passage in my life.

Reflecting on World Affairs and History: Cycles of Hatred and the Choice of Peace

Looking at the current situation in Israel, it is difficult to generalise, but the conflict between Israel and the Arab countries seems emblematic of the cycle in which “hatred begets hatred.” This cycle leads nowhere and does not solve anything. More people experience sorrow, and those who suffer may come to harbour feelings of revenge. A world in which such a cycle continues is, indeed, a sad world.

Looking back, Japan, too, experienced World War II. At the end of the war, atomic bombs were dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, claiming the lives of countless innocent civilians. It was the first occurrence of its kind in human history, and the suffering and grief it caused are beyond measure. We do not forget these facts, and we continue to hold thoughts of condolence for the victims.

At the same time, the Japanese people chose a path of peace rather than transforming this deep suffering into hatred. Reflecting on how much pain our predecessors bore, yet chose to heal their anger and uphold harmony, is truly moving. Hatred creates nothing. The development and peace of modern Japan are thanks to those predecessors who carried their suffering, learned from it, and chose a path that prioritised harmony and coexistence for the future.

I am Japanese, so I have used Japan as an example, but looking around the world, there are also cases where people did not turn pain into revenge and instead chose peace.

Examples from Around the World

South Africa – Truth and Reconciliation Commission (TRC): President Nelson Mandela and Archbishop Desmond Tutu promoted reconciliation rather than revenge, facilitating dialogue between victims and perpetrators to foster national healing and coexistence.

India – Gandhi and the Independence Movement: During British colonial rule, Gandhi pursued independence through non-violence and civil disobedience, choosing peace over revenge in response to injustice and violence.

There are many other such examples. What these cases share is the recognition of pain and wounds, yet choosing dialogue and coexistence for the sake of future generations and society. Like post-war Japan, individuals and nations turned pain into strength, choosing hope for the future.

This is not just a Japanese experience—it is a lesson common to all humanity. No matter how great the grief or suffering, it is possible to choose compassion and dialogue over revenge and hatred. Japan’s path toward peace is only one example. This approach transcends nations and cultures, offering wisdom that can be applied to the future. To transform past pain into learning and hope is a lesson humanity can share, and a guideline each of us can hold in our hearts.

How to Make Use of Your Wounds

Certainly, “hurt people may hurt others.” The anger and anxiety carried within one’s heart can sometimes be projected outward unexpectedly.

Yet, I also believe that people can cultivate kindness, empathy, and resilience through their wounds.

Making use of wounds is not a passive act of “enduring” or “tolerating.” It is an active process of understanding and accepting one’s pain and transforming it into relationships and learning. For instance, having experienced hardship oneself enables one to be sensitive to friends’ emotional struggles or to small challenges in the workplace. Knowing pain allows one to empathise with others’ suffering, generating compassion and understanding.

Moreover, using one’s wounds can give meaning to one’s life. Rather than letting pain remain a mere misfortune or failure, we can apply the insights gained to future choices and actions. In doing so, the heart acquires both flexibility and strength.

Cultural Differences and the Potential of the Heart

Although languages and cultures differ, the fact that humans bear wounds is universal. However, how we face and transform that pain varies between cultures and individuals—this is where we can truly learn from each other.

The perspective that “hurt people hurt people” and the view that “people who have been hurt can become kind” both reflect aspects of human nature. There is no single correct answer. By listening to these perspectives, we can engage with others more deeply and compassionately.

Like the Japanese concept of onko-chishin (温故知新), finding new meaning in past experiences can provide hope, regardless of the culture in which one lives.

If you are currently struggling with past experiences, please do not try to bear the burden alone—seek ways to give meaning to your pain.

At Locus of Life, I share insights and perspectives to accompany you on this journey. Counselling may offer a path to understanding yourself and restoring inner peace.

Because of our past wounds, we can live gently and resiliently. The key is how we perceive and make use of that pain. Walking a path that allows us to gradually become kinder to ourselves and to others fosters depth and richness in life. And from this place, I quietly send my support to you today.